I usually describe practice as something to do: stand on your side, look beyond your eyes, absorb the good, etc. This practice is different: it is something to be recognized. From this recognition, appropriate actions will follow. Let me explain.
A few years ago, I was invited to give a keynote at a conference with the largest audience I had ever encountered. It was a big step for me. Legendary psychologists were giving other lectures, and I was afraid I wouldn’t measure up. I was nervous. Real nervous.
I sat in the back waiting for my turn, worried about how people would see me. I thought about how to look impressive and get approval. My mind is fixed on me, me, me. I was miserable.
Then I started reading an interview with the Dalai Lama. Talk about happiness in wishing others well. A wave of relief and calm washed over me when I realized that the best thing I could do for myself was to stop obsessing about “me” and instead try to be helpful to others.
So I lectured, continuing to focus on what would be useful to people rather than on how I would be understood. I felt more comfortable and at peace, and I received a standing ovation. I laughed to myself at the irony: To get approval, stop seeking it; To take care of yourself, take care of others.
This principle applies to everyday life, not just at conferences. If you feel for others and have compassion for them, you will feel better. In a relationship, one of the best ways to get your own needs met is to take as much reasonable responsibility (these words are chosen carefully) for meeting the other person’s needs. Besides being benevolent – which is a good thing in itself – it is your best strategy for getting better treatment by others. This approach is the opposite of being a doormat. It puts you in a stronger position.
Kindness to you is kindness to me; Kindness to me is kindness to you. It’s a real, beautiful two-way street.
Flip it the other way, and this is also true: being kind to yourself means being kind to others. As your well-being increases, you become more capable and likely to do so Be patientsupportive, forgivingAnd love. To take care of them, you have to take care of yourself; Otherwise you start running on empty. As you develop happiness and other inner strengths within yourself, you will have more to offer others.
Kindness to you is kindness to me; Kindness to me is kindness to you. It’s a real, beautiful two-way street.
What does kindness to others and yourself look like?
The kindness to others and to yourself that I’m talking about here is authentic and proportionate, not overdone or inappropriate.
In normal situations, take a moment here and there to realize that if you are open to appropriate compassion, decency, tolerance, respect, support, friendliness, or even love for others…that is good for you too.
Look at the consequences of small things. For example, earlier today, at an airport, I saw a bag on the floor and didn’t know if someone had left it or not. Thinking about this practice, there was naturally some friendliness on my face when I asked the man in front of me if this was his bag. He was startled at first and seemed to feel criticized, then he looked at me closely, relaxed a little, and said that the bag belonged to his friend. His friendly response made me feel at ease instead of embarrassed or nervous.
See how taking care of yourself has good effects on others. Intentionally do something small that nourishes you — a little rest, some exercise, some time for yourself — and then notice how it impacts your relationships.
Imagine what the other person’s interests or desires might be, and do what you can—usually easily and naturally—to take them into account. Then see how this looks for you. Maybe better than it was.
Also see how taking care of yourself has good effects on others. Intentionally do something small that nourishes you — a little rest, some exercise, some time for yourself — and then notice how it impacts your relationships. Notice how healthy boundaries in relationships help prevent you from becoming habituated or angry and eventually needing to withdraw.
It is as if we are connected to a vast network. For better or worse, what you do to others will come back to you; What you do to yourself will pass on to others.
In effect, you conduct small experiments and let the results settle in your mind. This is the important part: to really let it sink in that we are deeply connected to each other. Helping others helps you; Helping yourself helps others. Likewise, harming others harms you; Hurting yourself hurts others.
It is as if we are connected to a vast network. For better or worse, what you do to others will come back to you; What you do to yourself will pass on to others.
Realizing this in your belly and bones will change your life for the better. And change the lives of others for the better, too.
This post is one of a series of Rick Hanson is just one thing (JOT) Newsletter, each week offering a simple practice designed to bring you more happiness, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind and heart.
