As someone who has been sober for 26 years, and in my work as a Recovery coachI have come to realize that recovery and wellness are more important than just freedom from substances. While it may start there, what is just as important, if not more important, is our emotional sobriety.
When I first heard the term emotional sobriety, it seemed like a far-fetched, far-fetched experience reserved for Buddhist monks. My heroines like Tara Brash and Pema Chödrön seemed like they had made it happen, but for someone like me it seemed unattainable. It wasn’t until I went through an emotionally challenging time – a time that eventually became a gateway – that I truly understood its importance and have been able to share this important aspect of recovery with my clients ever since.
When I first heard the term emotional sobriety, it seemed like a far-fetched, far-fetched experience reserved for Buddhist monks.
One day, my son announced that he was moving from New York City to Los Angeles. On the surface, his decision seemed exciting and full of promise, but he had no job or place to live; He would find out once he got there. The constant uncertainty about his safety pushed me over the edge. I was a nervous and anxious wreck. For weeks, I checked my phone to see if he’d texted me, scrolled through Instagram and Facebook, surreptitiously looking up little snippets of his life, trying to ascertain if he was okay.
His life was my favorite TV show, and I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I couldn’t stop worrying, and I felt emotionally hijacked.
Notice when your past shows up in your present
As the saying goes: When it’s hysterical, it’s historical. As I delved deeper into therapy, I began to understand why his passing hit me so hard. It reflected something much older. When I was in college, my mother suddenly moved to Switzerland. No long goodbyes, no gradual adjustment, she was simply gone. Decades later, my nervous system didn’t know the difference between then and now.
My body was grieving an old loss through a new one. I knew enough to attend Al-Anon meetings to try to get rid of my emotions, but peace of mind remained elusive.
My body was grieving an old loss through a new one. I knew enough to attend Al-Anon meetings to try to get rid of my emotions, but peace of mind remained elusive.
The transformation came when I learned to meditate. As a beginner, I was encouraged to first turn my attention to my breath, and notice the moment, the pause, between my inhale and exhale.
As I was practicing this awareness, a clear idea came to the surface. My breath, the most subtle physical experience, was my life force. This quiet activity, which occurred without my interference, was the distinguishing feature between life and death. I felt a reverence for my breath that I had never felt before. Slowly but surely, I developed the ability to notice how, cricket-like, my mind would jump from thought to worry to thought — and eventually, it began to settle down.
For many, substances helped numb their emotions and served as an escape. So when we stop using substances and enter into a more intimate relationship with ourselves, staying still and quieting our minds may not feel safe. We no longer have anything to stop the noise or alleviate the fears.
As time passed, I felt at peace and felt emotionally calm. I wasn’t scrambling for something outside myself to relieve my discomfort.
Make the mind a calmer place
In my work with people with substance use disorders and/or eating disorders, many clients have told me that they still struggle with quieting their minds. For many, substances helped numb their emotions and served as an escape.
So when we stop using substances and enter into a more intimate relationship with ourselves, staying still and quieting our minds may not feel safe. We no longer have anything to stop the noise or alleviate the fears.
In my coaching sessions, we discuss the concept of emotional sobriety, and I offer a variety of entry points, such as:
- Breathing action or a Body scan
- the “Notice and nametechnique
- Practice recruiting a sense of stability from the room and immediate surroundings
- A short, guided meditation
- memoirs For twenty minutes
In each of these little practices, I gently guide them to reconnect with themselves through curiosity rather than judgment. Because there is no single path to stillness, we find the path that suits us, and we move at the client’s pace.
Being emotionally unsober can feel like checking, endless distraction, and mindless scrolling. Mindfulness practices, over time, help us understand that we can be with our uncomfortable feelings without heading toward an escape route.
What I’ve come to understand is that insight and self-awareness are essential, but even with the best intentions, we can still get emotionally hijacked, aroused in an instant — and suddenly the desire to escape those uncomfortable feelings becomes overwhelming.
And while we may not arrive at the essence or activity that brought us to recovery in the first place—which in itself is a remarkable accomplishment, of course—we may arrive at other, perhaps more benign, activities that serve a similar purpose. Being emotionally unsober can feel like checking, endless distraction, and mindless scrolling. Mindfulness practices, over time, help us understand that we can be with our uncomfortable feelings without heading toward an escape route.
What mindfulness and meditation offer, and what my clients tell me time and time again, is a way to reset their emotional thermostat, no matter what’s going on around them.
Pause between inhalation and exhalation. A moment of choice where there was none.
This is emotional sobriety.
Stephanie Hazard is a Certified Peer Recovery Specialist (CPRS) as well as a Certified Eating Disorder Recovery Coach at the Caroline Costin Institute (CCIEDC). Her first book, Making Sobriety Stick: A Recovery Coach’s Guide to Sustainable Changewill be released on September 22 during National Recovery Month, and can be pre-ordered at www.pathtowardrecovery.com.
