My memories of motherhood are filled with moments of self-doubt. There isn’t a mother alive who hasn’t gone through some Self-doubt. Given all the ideas about what’s best for children, it’s easy to doubt your decisions. From the mundane to the seemingly “big decisions,” it’s easy to get caught up in negative emotions and doubt ourselves.
One of my clients spent some time talking to me about the fact that she, her son, and her husband didn’t have a ritual of eating dinner together. It made sense for her family and their schedule for her son to eat before her husband got home, yet she had thoughts of doubt almost every day about whether it was really okay. It turned out fine, he is now a wonderful young adult and they are very close. It seems silly to look back that we can relate to things like this but it’s easy to do. How do we know it will be okay?
Magazines, newspapers, and websites often produce stories from research findings that show how some action or behavior is associated with some outcome, even when there is no conclusive evidence that it caused the outcome. The best test of how something works for your family is… How it works for your familyover time!
How nice it would be to have a crystal ball so we can know with certainty that any given choice will be the “right choice,” and that everything will go well. The mind can blow things out of proportion and jeopardize their development Well-being It looks enormous. In our pursuit of certainty and fear of doubt, we may create a lot of voluntary suffering. It’s helpful to remind yourself that children are resilient, and that you can be too. You can always make new choices after seeing the result.
When fear is present
As with self-doubt, fear is another major theme in parenting. From the barrage of news reports about terrible things happening to children, mass shootings, catastrophic weather events, wars, etc., there is a frightening lot to focus on. Add to that the “time travel” in the mind, and thoughts about what might or could happen, and it’s too much Elective suffering in motherhood. Using mindfulness, especially the regular practice of mindfulness of thoughts and feelings, can help you get off autopilot to see if you are actually suffering unnecessarily.
You can shift the focus of your mind at any time. Fear is not a sign that a feared outcome will occur. Trying to imagine how you would experience something you fear that is not happening right now is often a waste of energy and can lead to… Self-condemnation. My favorite mantras, “Just this moment” and “Just here, right now” really help me get out of my head and back into the flow of life. When you find yourself trying to “think it away,” you have to choose to redirect your mind to be with what is right in front of you, and let the fear fade into the background. It may arise againAnd you can refocus again.
I’ve realized that when fear is present, I have to dig deep to move toward the thing I value. I don’t need to get rid of fear to overcome it.
I’ve realized that when fear is present, I have to dig deep to move toward the thing I value. I don’t need to get rid of fear to overcome it. I can decide to dig in anyway, giving myself positive self-talk along the way.
Reveal your courage
Being brave or having courage is often described in a way that makes it seem like you don’t feel afraid. Motherhood requires courage from the beginning. We may go into it with beautiful thoughts, but we soon realize how much we need to confront what is frightening or intimidating. Just as with appreciationIt’s helpful to stop and recognize where you’ve been brave. Admitting when you’ve been afraid and done things helps anyway Develop a sense of confidence.
One of my clients was worried about whether she could be brave in the face of helping her four-year-old daughter through surgery and an overnight stay in the hospital. I noticed that she often takes her scary thoughts to mean that she won’t be brave. They were kind of a bad sign. If she was thinking about these things now, how could she do it?
Anxious anticipation can undermine any of us.
She also felt terrible about herself for being afraid of it. I encouraged her to validate herself, when she noticed fear, by saying, “This is really hard. It’s okay.” She found it really helpful to acknowledge this simple fact, rather than accusing herself of being a bad mother to all the fear and negative thoughts. No one wants to go through difficult things, and there is a lot that is difficult. It’s really okay to admit it.
Choose to be brave
I will always remember one of the most profound moments when I decided to be brave; Where I showed myself that I can be brave. I was finishing the bath with my young son when I heard my little girl falling into the other room. I ran to see her and found that she had fallen and opened her chin. There was blood everywhere and I was terrified. This was one of the moments I feared as a mother I wouldn’t be able to do when it finally arrived. I was terrified.
Even though I wanted to cry and run the other way, I calmed her down and cleaned her up anyway. After calling the pediatrician’s office who recommended taking her to the emergency room to see if she needed stitches, I called my husband to ask him to drop everything and go home. I told my husband he was going to the emergency room with her!
We can choose over and over again to move toward what we want for ourselves or our child, regardless of the mind’s first reaction.
It occurred to me a few minutes after we ended the call with him that I wanted my kids to see me strong. I wondered what kind of message I would send to my daughter, who had been leaning on me and comforting me, if I sent it with her father who had just come home after being gone all day. Sure, it wouldn’t have hurt her, but I realized This was an opportunity.
So, as much as I was afraid of it, I asked my husband to stay with our son and took her to the emergency room. After a few stitches and several hours, we were home and doing fine. Courage and confidence are not something you have or don’t have. to remember Growth mindset. We can choose over and over again to move toward what we want for ourselves or our child, regardless of the mind’s first reaction.
When we put moments like these together, those choices lead to courage and confidence. Another gift for motherhood! Where I once went on the run, I tamed my fears of spiders, bees and snakes too! Motherhood can show us how brave we are.
Excerpt reproduced with permission of the author from Just This Moment: A Guide for Moms Who Want to Enjoy Parenting, Raise Great Kids and Thrive! By Elizabeth Torres, Psy.D. Abb. (2019).
Mindfulness for children
When we teach children mindfulness, we provide them with the tools to build self-esteem, manage stress, and handle challenges skillfully. Explore our guide on how to introduce mindfulness and meditation to your children – at any age. Read more 
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