Welcome to friend request, A weekly series dedicated to untangling the messy, awkward, and confusing parts of modern friendship. Because the truth is that our platonic relationships are often the most complicated. Send us your friendship dilemmas hereand we may feature one in a future column.
Most friendships will never be 50/50, but at least they’re based on an unspoken agreement: both people appearReach out and add some fuel to the tank that keeps the engine running. If that balance feels constantly off — not just once or twice, but over the course of weeks or months — it’s hard not to wonder if something deeper is going on.
You may notice in small but telling ways: If you look back at your messages, it occurs to you that you started them all conversation. They call, however, only when they’re bored or when it’s convenient. Then there’s the more acute sting of noticing how easy it is to find time for other people — but not for yourself (which is a surprisingly common frustration you can read more about here).
To be fair, life can get in the way — people are busy, schedules conflict, and our friends can’t always be as available as we’d like — but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating or stop you from doing so. Feeling resentful When you wait days for a simple “How are you?” But how do you know if this is a temporary lapse or an unhealthy one-sided friendship? Here are the biggest red flags therapists want you to pay attention to.
1. They don’t call or text first
Look through your text messages and direct messages: Are you always the first to message? When was the last time they suggested hanging out? You can also experiment with no Reach out to find out how long it takes to initiate contact. If weeks (or months) go by without them saying a word, their silence may indicate who is really holding this relationship together.
“At least a good friend (even if he or she is busy) will do that Check periodically Out of curiosity and interest.” Tiana Leeds, LMFTa therapist based in Santa Barbara, California, tells SELF. After all, someone who truly cares about you should want to know what’s going on in your life, which is why if they’re not constantly trying to connect with you (or just expecting you to), they may not be truly interested in your world.
