For a long time, I thought I was doing everything right in dating. After getting out of an eight-year relationship—and then a recovery that destroyed me emotionally in ways I didn’t fully process for at least two years—I spent the next few years in a strange state of in-between.
In theory, I was doing the best I could: going on dates, meeting people, and staying open even when I felt exhausted. But in reality, it was more like practicing the movements, as if I was playing a role that I was really good at. I had enough distance to feel in control, but not enough awareness to realize how that distance was shaping my behavior.
But after what seemed like countless first dates in New York City, I started to notice a pattern: I treated the dates like auditions. I would appear polished, engaged, and ask the right questions. If they liked me – they texted me afterwards, complimented me, wanted to see me again – I felt this immediate feeling of relief, almost like I had passed a test. But this feeling rarely lasted, and most importantly, I never stopped asking myself the basic question: Did you even like them?
It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t actually dating for connection, I was dating for validation. According to therapists, this distinction can be subtle but important, and often manifests in patterns that seem normal on the surface but are actually rooted in a need to feel chosen rather than a desire to truly know someone.
Here are some red flags that you may be looking for companionship for the wrong reasons, according to dating experts.
Signs that you’re dating are for an ego boost, not a real connection
1. You think about having a partner more than being with this person.
If your mind tends to jump ahead to envision what your life in a relationship would look like, how you would feel having a partner, and how this person fits into that picture, you may be more attached to the idea than to the reality. like Mo Ari BrownLMFT, a therapist and love and inner connection expert at Hinge, explains that true interest is centered in the person themselves: “You should see them as a whole person, not a flat version or fantasy.” When you’re dating for validation, the emotional payoff often comes from imagining you’ve been chosen, rather than dealing with who the person sitting across from you actually is.
