How to Support a Friend Who Wants to Get Back With Their Ex (Again)

It’s worth noting that leaving an unhealthy relationship — especially one that may involve abuse — is rarely as simple as walking away. People can remain stuck in these environments for a range of reasons, ranging from the emotional (such as shyness or the desire to keep a family together) to the practical (such as financial dependence). There’s also a very real fear of escalation: “Abuse is about power and control,” says Arlene Vassil, vice president of programs, prevention and social change at National Resource Center on Domestic Violencepreviously He said to himself. “If (the aggressor) feels like he or she is losing control, the violence may escalate.”

Although we don’t know what actually happened — or is happening — between Paul and Mortensen, one thing is clear: The ripple effects extend beyond the two: the rest of MomTok feels it, too. “It’s hard to support Paul when she keeps doing the same thing over and over and saying she doesn’t want to,” says Mormon wife Maisie in the fifth episode of the new season. Castmate Mikayla Matthews seemingly confirmed the show’s hiatus in an Instagram Story on March 19, writing, “It was a decision that all of us girls came up with and agreed upon.”

It’s an ordeal many of us know all too well: being the friend on the sidelines through every in and out. You sit through the countless rants, help craft the “I deserve better” messages, and then quietly watch the pattern repeat.

“It’s an overshadowed perspective that we don’t talk about enough,” one woman, who asked to remain anonymous, tells SELF. She recounts dozens of attempted interventions and heartfelt conversations with her former best friend, only to be accused of “peer pressure,” called a “hater,” and dismissed as “nosy” about the relationship. Technically Not her job. “I understand that people are hurting Toxic dynamicsbut we also need to talk about the harm done to friends who are disrespected in the process.

Of course, there’s an argument to be made that good friends will (and should!) support you through the highs and lows, which is why we politely nod when our friends insist it’s “different this time” and offer a gentle “I just want you to be happy” instead of delivering the harsh truth.

But the expectation to put your friendship first and “just be supportive” ignores the other part of the equation: the effort of playing the designated therapist over and over again — an exhausting experience the Miami-based clinical psychologist has previously witnessed. Christy Ferrari, Ph.DIt’s called “compassion fatigue.”