During my hookup days, at least 50% of the dates I went on went like this: After seeing each other a few times, the person I was seeing asked a question or made a comment that sounded like… on. No, they weren’t revealing that they were married, but they were saying something that sounded a little intimate. Maybe they pointed to a distant future or asked me if I planned to get married someday. Or perhaps their tone has changed more broadly, and they now seem to like me – perhaps love me – too much. My instinct? Get rid of them.
Ending things after a one-time emergency like the above isn’t necessarily a problem – you just realize it’s not right for you. It happens. But if you find yourself repeatedly smashing things every time someone gets too close, you’re probably a blowfish. Not a real sea creature, just someone pushing people away.
Blast fishing is the basis of the trend he popularized Katie Mortonlicensed marriage and family therapist and book author Why do I keep doing this? She learned this concept in her twenties Ha Therapist: After another short-term relationship ended with Morton’s decision to end the relationship, the therapist suggested that this cycle may have been a result of Morton’s fear of vulnerability. “You’re a blowfish,” she said. “If someone gets too close and you start to feel vulnerable, you stick out your spine instead of communicating.”
For Morton, puffer hunting began with romantic relationships. But it is a behavior that can also appear in friendships or family relationships. Here are all the tips you need to recognize puffer fish tendencies and learn how to manage them — whether there’s someone in your life who keeps puffing up or you’re guilty of doing it yourself.
What does puffer fishing look like?
Puffer fishing can appear differently depending on the individual. It’ll probably feel like avoidance, he explains Julie NewmanLMHC, New York City-based therapist. “The pufferfish may not respond to texts for a while, not communicate, avoid initiating plans, or not express interest in someone else’s life,” she says.
Morton says the swell catch in her life manifests itself as ghosting or a desire to cut off contact as quickly as possible. But it can also feel like getting into a fight with someone — for example, always picking a fight when things get serious — to self-sabotage the relationship. “Pufferfishing is really just about protecting ourselves. It’s a primal instinct to make sure we’re okay,” Morton tells SELF. “We think of protection as physical, but in this case it’s emotional. This is no less important.”
