In the new Apple TV series. Margo has financial problemsIn the comeback show, Michelle Pfeiffer plays mother Cheyanne, who becomes pregnant after a one-night stand with a married man. Now her daughter Margo, who she raised alone, has given birth to a child with a married man who is not pictured.
At one point, in the parking lot outside the chain restaurant where Margo works, Cheyenne has a complete breakdown. After failing in her first task of babysitting her grandson, she hands the boy over to Margo and exclaims that she is just as terrible a grandmother as she was a terrible mother: “I wish I was a better person, but I’m not! … And I won’t be judged by him or anyone else.”
As much as we retreat from shame and guilt, these feelings are part of being human. Yet many of us, perhaps most of us, deal with it very poorly.
This is a classic shame spiral. We start by feeling bad about something we did or couldn’t do, and then jump straight to evaluation – not of our mistakes or inability, but of ourselves: we are bad and we want to hide because of it, for fear of being judged further.
Guilt and shame are dirty and painful words. As much as we may hate them, these feelings are part of being human. Yet many of us, perhaps most of us, deal with it very poorly. We beat ourselves up psychologically. We hit others verbally (and in extreme cases physically) in an attempt to inflict guilt and shame on them and avenge wrongdoings. On a global scale, wars are fought and people die because of revenge – simply because we have great difficulty dealing with how to respond when we do something wrong or are wronged.
Take a closer look at guilt and shame
Yes, these are difficult feelings, and this probably isn’t the first time you’ve thought about them, but it never hurts to think about the thornier aspects of life with a fresh mind. If you meditate, you spend your life doing it. And each time, hopefully, with a more open mind.
To start, it helps to distinguish between guilt and shame.
Meditation teacher Caverly Morgan expresses the difference succinctly in her book The heart of who we are: “When you feel guilt, there is a judgment that something you did was wrong. When you feel shame, you believe that your whole self is wrong.”
Is it realistic to think that emotions that have been around for as long as anyone can imagine will be removed from the human toolbox?
Brené Brown, author of the groundbreaking book on human frailty, Great boldness, she says on her website That while guilt is “adaptive and helpful” and can prompt accountability for our actions, “the extremely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” is not helpful or productive. She continues to “advocate for an end to shame as a tool for change.”
I’m a huge Brené Brown fan, so I get where she’s going. Shame is very harmful. It destroys entire lives and families (see Cheyenne’s collapse in the parking lot). They are often largely ineffective in bringing about change. I’m sure we’ve all tried to shame someone into better behavior but it backfires.
However, is it realistic to believe that emotions that have been around for as long as anyone can imagine will be removed from the human toolbox?
If they’re not going anywhere…how do we learn to live with them?
Other researchers are not quite ready to remove shame from the range of human responses. Rather, it simply warns us to notice the ways in which our responses are often maladaptive.
In his last book, The power of guiltDevelopmental psychologist Chris Moore says guilt primarily motivates us to repair damage and heal Relationships. In contrast, he continues, shame tends to make people ashamed of interacting with others, damaging the relationship, perhaps permanently. This tendency to descend into a deep, dark place turns shame into a dangerous drug.
Psychologist John Tangney, co-author of Shame and guiltbut, She admits that she is prone to shyness He advises that it is possible to be steadfast in the midst of shame and distract ourselves from the escalation. In other words, we might be better off accepting that shame will arise and figuring out how to deal with it more effectively.
So, our problem with shyness may not be that we as a group don’t need it, but rather that we have a bad habit of overdoing it.
Evolutionary psychologists such as Dacher Keltner view shame as part of a family of human responses known as self-conscious emotions—guilt, shame, pride, and embarrassment—that all play a role in regulating social behavior. According to these students of human behavior“…shame serves the important function of appeasing observers of social transgressions, a function that re-establishes social harmony.” In other words, blushing publicly when you do something wrong signals to others that you know you made a mistake and that you care. To say, for example, that someone is “not ashamed” means that he does not care what others think about his behavior. Think of some world leaders who seem to do and say whatever they want, no matter how immoral or illegal, and without caring about the harm those actions cause.
So, our problem with shyness may not be that we as a group don’t need it, but rather that we have a bad habit of overdoing it. A little bit of shyness can go a long way. Even too little can be devastating. The lesson seems to be: Shyness is more likely to be a part of life, respond appropriately and proportionately to the feeling, and focus entirely on future action.
In other words: Don’t blame yourself. Satisfy the feelingBut don’t build a house there.
Focus on reform
Knowing how guilt and shame tear at the heart and sever the ties that hold communities together, spiritual traditions have developed forms of atonement—honest acknowledgment of harm, repair of the harm if possible, and pledge not to do it again.
Catholics have confession and the season of Lent. Judaism has Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. In Islam, RepentanceRepentance is practiced continuously, especially in the last ten days of Ramadan. Twelve-step programs devote several steps to atonement and reparation. Although the place of confession in Buddhism is little known, the ancient law of the monastic order calls for regular confession of transgressions, including in some traditions mass transgressions that occurred “from beginningless time.”
It is not necessary to engage in one of these traditions to develop a healthy relationship with guilt and shame, but it can certainly help to examine our own experience to see how we can be easier on ourselves and others as we continue to process the emotions that arise when things go wrong.
Guilt – that feeling of unease about making a mistake or not being fully present –He can Be motivated. But as all the researchers, teachers, and commentators here have noted, it can also eat away at us and turn into shame. Fortunately, A He practices Such mindfulness can help stop the descent into needless shame and help us focus on our future actions. In practicing mindfulness, we can begin to see more clearly what is happening and as the ancient prayer says, forgive our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.
